Keith Bruiser's Guide to Notts

Keith Bruiser’s Guide to Notts

Listen closely to your uncle Keith, Saturday’s trip Notts is going to be a right snarl up, and unless you’re with the right mob or you’ve got GPS in your knickers, you could find yourself on the wrong end of a four finger disco. Read these rules before you go and chuck a penny in the well to make sure.

1) The north is like a foreign country but without the sunshine. Get yourself dosed up on antibiotics or you could be returning home with Belgian Rickets.

2) If you see any dwarves washing themselves in the Trent don’t call the NSPCC, it’s just the Notts Olympic team in training. Chuck them some free sweatbands if you’ve got any in the motor.

3) If any of your party is agoraphobic then lock them in the boot as there’s gonna be helluva lot of empty seats at Meadow Lane.

4) Bring your dinner.

5) Forget your Notts A-Z, there’s so much coal mining in the city centre that the roads and alleys change every week due to subsidence. Just follow anyone wearing socks to the ground.

6) Don’t look for trouble, you’re a guest in a troubled manor. We’ve got mobiles, they’ve got pagers; we’ve got motors, they’ve got discount Friday at Halfords; we’ve got British Airways they’ve got blocked airways.

7) To you and me a troublemaker is a “ballbag” or a “Penge vicar” but they speak different up Notts way. If you hear anyone call you a “Kipling” or a “Barndance Freddie” or a “Spanish cashpoint” then you need to be on your toes.

25.04.2008. 09:54

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