Maidenhead Pre-season Gash

There are a few things that are famous about Maidenhead, or Maiden Hythe if you’re a Saxon local: Firstly, it’s the current constituency of Conservative MP and heroine Theresa May; Secondly, and arguably more importantly, it’s the place where Charles I met the children prior to attending his last official function. Who better, then, to report on the impending clash between Wycombe Wanderers and Maidenhead United than SMBU’s own Court Correspondent and Right Wing Columnist, Tory Goon?

Post Deluvian
Maidenhead has, of course, been in the news recently for having been the latest victim of Global Warming, the ‘new terror’ to strike the Western World. With callous disregard for the effect his actions might have on the environment and the War on Warming™, however, your reporter ventured over the Berks-Bucks border to bring you the very latest news on the Chairboys. Disappointingly, there was no sign of such traditional post-deluvian sights as a rainbow, or even animals two by two, but this was put down to the lack of divine charity on a town which rather unwisely has chosen to twin itself with Bad Godesberg in Germany. A little short-sighted one might argue when one is facing up to acts of God.

Record breaking
Maidenhead United’s ground, York Road, is held to be the oldest football ground in the world continuously used by the same team and, from the looks of it, the original fixtures and fittings are still in evidence. Sadly, the ground was not in fact six-foot underwater as BBC reports had led me to believe and the RNLI were nowhere to be seen. Conditions could barely even be described as ‘moist’.

A previous visit to the ground had borne witness to baton-wielding police and Alsatians piling in to the local youth, many of them doubtless on ASBOs. The only reminder of that civil war was the legion of Wycombe stewards who had once again volunteered their services, perhaps anticipating a rematch or possibly the opportunity to ‘lay into’ the visiting Wanderers fans – a rare, not to be missed opportunity.

Zadok the Priest
SMBU didn’t appear to have arranged for a Press Pass, but your reporter had soon cosied up to the rest of the media scrum; Wanderers themselves had sent a full complement of three from the Media team to cover the event, including Head Honcho and SMBU favourite Alan Parry, with yet more to cover the video and photographic angles (no Wanderers World commentary, though as we were later to find).

In any case, at precisely 7.45pm the players entered the pitch, the Wycombe team resplendent in their blue-quartered tabards. Alas that there was no music to suitably serenade the arrival of the players on the pitch, so it was left to your reporter to hum Handel’s coronation anthem in heady anticipation (not in the top six options being considered for Wycombe unfortunately – vote for Ride of the Valkyries).

I loved you not
Yet what was this? A sharp intake of breath, echoed at intervals around the ground! A woman leading out the troops! A female referee? “Get thee to a nunnery,” as Hamlet once said. One looked in vain for Mike Newell to lead the protests, although as none was forthcoming the match got off to a prompt start. Even so, it soon descended into the sort of mind-numbing occasion that reminds you precisely why ‘pre-season friendlies are gash’. Four goals in the first half (two apiece including a penalty for both sides, fact fans) still couldn’t rob one of the impression that it just wasn’t a terribly enthralling encounter. Friendlies against non-league local ‘rivals’ sound good on paper but the simple fact is that such sides are non-league for a reason.

Dancing Girls
Jerome K Jerome once wrote about Maidenhead that it is “too snobby to be pleasant. It is the haunt of the river swell and his overdressed female companion. It is the town of showy hotels, patronised chiefly by dudes and ballet girls” If the current fans are anything to go by such residents no longer frequent the town; instead I was accosted by locals in tattered clothing, smelling strongly of ‘eau-de-terre’. Ballet girls were also in short supply, having apparently been replaced by dancing girls of a less salubrious type. You could scarcely describe them as overdressed; quite the contrary in fact at the local ‘gentleman’s club’, the current paragon of culture.

New Cheese
Half time rolled around, as it generally does, on or about the forty-five minute mark, leaving plenty of time for the obligatory trip to the tea bar. No ‘Ready, Steady, Go’ themed bars here manned by East Europeans unable to speak the language, I might add, and no sign of marketing gash promoting ‘new cheese’. Simple fare served by simple people. I briefly wondered whether Lord Blag of Trust had noticed this innovative approach as he sauntered past my perch behind the goal, before dismissing such idle speculation. Not for him the joys of the half-time tea bar!

Unforgettable
For the second half spirits seemed to fade along with the last rays of evening light as the game dragged on towards its inevitable conclusion. No goals came to lighten the atmosphere while the Drone Army continued their tired ‘taunting’ of the goalkeeper at each and every kick (mercifully there were few!). Disappointingly, albeit unsurprisingly, the three month break has added nothing to the Valley End’s ‘repertoire’. Calling the opposition keeper a ‘twaaaaat’ is still the height of comedy, and never fails to raise a chortle from the dullards behind the goal. For all our sakes, the match finally finished, the female referee deciding that enough was enough: two apiece, all square, and it was off to Oxford United, another non-league team on Friday evening.

Phoney War
There is something about the pre-season that is strangely compelling. It presents an opportunity to see the new recruits for the first time and the chance to play those local non-league teams you wouldn’t normally encounter. In fact, though, these games are in effect 90 minute warm-ups. Games are played at half speed, or slower in many cases, with substitutions too numerous to keep a track of, players identified via constant reference to the matchday programme. Ultimately, neither side has anything to play for. The higher ranked team is expected to win, while even if the lower ranked team manages a ‘shock win’ this is mostly down to the number of changes. Neither set of fans is genuinely concerned about the result, so why do we continue to go?

The pre-season should be banned for all our sakes. End this Phoney War!

10.08.2007. 09:48

Write a comment