Has there ever been a season so full of extremes? 21-game unbeaten runs, seven goals conceded in one half, six defeats in a row and a painful playoff exit in Gloucestershire. Then as summer approached, the very man at the heart of The Project was dismissed as Wycombe planned for another season splashing around in the bottom division.
August
The roasting heat of a Bucks summer engulfed the stadium as the season began.
There was a hosepipe ban which meant Wigs Malone’s reeking toupee
had to be washed with leftover milk from the club canteen. The shimmering
temperatures set fire to the training pitch (Booker, famously, is nearer
the sun than any other point on earth) and the squad had to pack their boots
with crushed ice, like a sort of hush puppy slush puppy that pleased no-one
in the long-term.
There were no defeats in the month, and Tommy Mooney banged one in from range against Carlisle, an arc of destruction that would surely condemn the racist Cumbrians to a season of struggle.
Terror Level: Elevated
September
The leaves behind the Woodlands stand were beginning to turn golden as Wycombe
piped their way into the ninth month with dramatic ease. Eight Aston Villa
goals fell down on Frank Talia’s head like glistening conkers as Honest
John Gorman’s policy of playing spider goalie and “track your
man unless you’re puffed out” started to backfire.
It was during September that the Drone Army were instructed by the World Health Organisation to wash under their arms and cease wearing nylon. They refusal to do so meant Wycombe suffered a five-point reduction, something that would come to haunt the club as they chased an Intertoto place in February.
Tony Leese: restrained
October
Were you there at Grimsby the night Wycombe went top? There was a beach
party afterwards in Cleethorpes and a Bucks Free Press columnist was seen
running headlong into the North Sea, shouting “I’ll teach the
Dutch about the English way of life when I come out the other side”.
Minutes later he was harpooned by a navy.
In other news, loan ‘keeper Andrew Lonergan damaged his knee ligaments playing a game with team-mates which involved him supporting the whole squad’s weight on his knee joint. “In hindsight it was foolish,” a chastened Gorman told the BFP, “but it was good for morale so I cannot criticise the boys.”
Sergio Torres rose to prominence with a spot on national television which showed him being forced to dry up with his Downley Slave Owners. “I’d let him do the washing up but he gets too possessive about the bubbles,” said his evil cattle ranching landlord.
State of pitch: balding
November
John Gorman celebrated a year in charge at Wycombe by sending a false resignation
letter to club chairman Ivor Beeks. In the letter, Gorman railed against
the club’s policy of feeding the players game from directors’
shooting holidays. Mike Williamson missed four matches because of a gunshot-ridden
rusk and Gorman clearly blamed the chairman in a letter of more than 29
pages. Beeks’ response was to go for a long walk in the woods with
his gun. He later returned refreshed.
Renting rugby club Wasps announced they wanted a 15,000 stadium on their braying website, promising an even bigger bandwagon for idiotic Home Counties automatons to jump onto, while conventional hairdressers in the county held a minute’s silence as Ian Stonebridge was sent on loan to Torquay United, promising to score goals and keep his fringe sensibly trimmed.
Tyson: Did one to Forest
December
Doubts about Wycombe’s pitch grew after film enthusiasts staged a
re-enactment of the battle of the Somme on it. “Bit too muddy for
it to truly feel like Flanders,” the director noted, “but the
kiosks are spot on.”
Wycombe finally lost a gig, this time at Gigg Lane, or Gigg Pain as some fans christened it. Other fans called it “Gigg Shame”, “Big Pain”, “Ligg Gane” and “DefeatDome, Lancashire, England”. The club’s website continued to call it Gig Lane.
Wycombe made their 2005-06 TV debut twice on the same day. First they beat Orient 4-2 on Sky Sports Two, then the club auctioned off unwanted fans on a digital channel.
Best Xmas present: Breakdance video with a dog in it
January
The club’s plans for a new club shop alarmed fans of the current Adams
Park set-up. A statement from the club said "We are actively developing
plans to build a new shop at the stadium which would be a larger permanent
structure, with a grass area in the centre and seating around the sides.
Association football would no longer be played in the region but there would
be socks, lots of socks.”
Fans were further enraged when it was revealed that Wycombe were planning to wear Northampton Town’s away kit in their game at Northampton Town. “It’s a lovely kit and Nick Faldo really likes it,” noted a club insider. A fans protest that lasted three days and saw a huge fire in the Hillbottom Road industrial estate eventfully saw the decision reversed.
Best resolution: Give peas a chance
February
WWST board representative Keith Blagborough caused outrage in February by
telling fans he was a “superior being”, that “I’ll
never knowingly talk to a normal Wycombe fan again”, and “I’d
rather the club went out of business than watch a game outside the directors’
box”. Furious fans protested but a series of letter bombs and an anthrax
scare meant that Blagborough’s position went unchallenged.
Rob Lee became the oldest Wycombe player since the guy who tried to win an Audi by chipping a ball into the open boot when he played against Notts County. A clearly bewildered Lee was substituted in the second half after he fell asleep defending the near post at a corner.
Valentine’s Gruesome Twosome: Lord Dashwood and Pete Lansley in a Sierra
March
Wycombe fan Andy Worboys walked from Adams Park to Cheltenham’s Whaddon
Road after being banned from driving, cycling, getting taxis and being on
buses and trains. Clearly fatigued after his 70-mile odyssey, Worboys proclaimed
himself a lifetime Robins’ fan on arrival and put down a deposit on
a house in Cheltenham. Efforts to entice him back to Wycombe (including
a racehorse with a current bun glued to its rear) have so far failed and
the nadir came when Worboys was seen gesturing to Wycombe fans from the home end in the 0-0
draw at Whaddon Road.
The month ended with the sad news that Keith Ryan had retired after a career that started in the 1960s and ended with him replacing the carpets in the Vere Suite three times in one week. “I’ve got a nailgun, three rolls of carpet and a replica shirt from 1994-95, “ a clearly delighted Ryan told reporters outside Adams Park. He remains at the club, locked inside a room.
What used to be a pitch: gone now
April
Wycombe lost 18 games in a row in April to sink from top of the league and
“the best footballing team in Europe” to the obscurity of non-league
football and home matches with Shepshed Charterhouse and Bloxham Rovers.
In an attempt to arrest the horrific run of form, club investor Steve Hayes
took the squad on a morale-boosting trip to Flackwell Heath in his private
jet. After circling for two hours, the team voted that Kevin Betsy should
land the craft based on the fact he had downloaded every episode of the Krypton Factor on bittorrent. “Piss easy, compared to the approach to Hong Kong,” Betsy
reasoned.
Lawrie Sanchez reminded fans in April that it was five years since he had taken the club to the FA Cup semi-final by parading around the pitch before the home game with Clydebank in that beige coat. Chants such as “You quickly went downhill afterwards”, “Is the training ground an adequate legacy”, and “while we appreciated the cup run, the stagnation in the league was depressing and ultimately you had to leave, with significant compensation we might add” rang around the old stadium.
U-turn over playoffs: looking forward to them now
May
The Berks and Bucks Cup was won for the second season in a row and the 443rd
time in all with a win against MK Dons. The Dons, vilified by most in football,
received a rapturous round of applause from the Wycombe chairman Ivor Beeks,
a man who had mooted the idea of a club moving to Milton Keynes a few years
ago. “The success of the Dons in reaching this showpiece final proves
I was right,” announced Beeks in the programme notes, “and I
hope that in the near future the Dons will be able to play local rivals
MK Wanderers in a league clash.”
The regular season ended on a rutted field in Peterborough, where fat Barry Fry received abuse from 360 degrees, proving once again that investment in football clubs usually ends in tears and recriminations. After 46 games of sheer hell, you’re gonna get thirsty.
Weather conditions in Cambridgeshire: always gloomy
Playoffs
A
double header against the big-eared boys from Gloucestershire was never
going to work in Wycombe's favour and so it proved. The long-running curse
that Cheltenham have over the Chairboys was seen in the first leg at Adams Park when
even 4,000 shrieking loyalists waving inflated plastic could not prevent the away team
scoring a double.
The second leg was equally frustrating as Wycombe swept the ball around majestically, but ultimately did fuck all with it. It was both the flowering glory and the death knell for The Project, an experiment that will never be forgotten but also barely remembered in future years. A week after the defeat, Scotch John Gorman was summoned to Wycombe's nameless lair and given his marching orders. Rumours swirled like smoke at an indoor fireworks display but sometimes turning over logs will only reveal woodlice and no-one likes to see those.
Sense of regret at 10-month failure: tangible
We'll be back again next season for a different slice of cake, one that could be covered in fractal icing or taste as sour as lemon. But we'll be back, that's our own curse, one that is head-scratchingly unshakeable.