Anyone For Failure

A great day in the Meat Clinic today as news emerged that the scourge of the planet, Tim Henman, has finally retired. The Oxfordshire war criminal, a man sexually aroused by seeing tennis balls slam into young girls’ faces, now leaves the sporting arena with no grand slam titles but instead a lorry-load of cash and a sour wife.

A long list of Henman’s crimes and failures would do no-one any good, but suffice to say that most, if not all, of the problems afflicting the United Kingdom these days can be traced back to the conventionally-haired racquet rodent and his reign of defeat.

Youth crime and violence spiralling out of control? Well who was it who shattered every child’s dreams every July just before the summer holidays began? Yes, Henman. Less well known is Henman’s opposition to flood defences in Oxfordshire over the past few years. His reason? “The workmen might come near my mansion and look at my wife through the window”. Pathetic.

His friends in the Tory media will eulogise him now but just remember, there are two sides to every story. He will not be missed in Brill Hill, not unless he is swinging from the windmill with bullets in his backhand.

23.08.2007. 16:43

Write a comment